May 12, 2010

A glimpse

Filed under: Uncategorized — quotable1988 @ 7:26 pm

Carlos Whittaker posted a blog entry two days ago entitled “I am…” and invited us to finish the sentence. “A daughter” wrote this:

…angry. So very angry. At my father. How dare you climb those stairs? How dare you? How dare you take the glow of life and snuff it out with a rope and a bottle of pills? I loved you so much. And mom. And now I don’t even want to look out the window. I don’t even want to look at your photo. You know what I did? I threw the answering machine last night. I picked it up and just threw it. It broke apart. Like you did to me an mom. Your voice was on that machine, and for some reason it felt so good to destroy it. And now I’m angry at me for being angry at you.
But I am I am so angry and so tired and so sad and so twisted and so cold and so wet. and i don’t know what to do and i can’t even breath anymore and I just don’t understand it at all. I don’t get any of it. I don’t know why. And I miss you so much and it’s all your fault and I just mis you miss you miss you miss you miss you.

After I read those words, I sat in my chair and wept. Why?

Because this daughter offered me a glimpse.

This daughter offered me a glimpse of what my mom would feel like…
of what my sister would feel like…
of what my grandparents would feel like…
of what my children (in the future, of course) would feel like…
if I gave in.

I haven’t given in. I’ve come close–so, so terribly close–but I’ve not given in.

How long?

I ask myself.

How long can I resist? How long can I fight? How long can I fend off the depression that lurks around the corner? How long? How long can I bear to be lonely; to have no one who understands; to have these feelings inside of me? How long until what in the light seems unthinkable not only becomes thinkable again, but actually… happens?

This glimpse gave me my answer.

As long as I have something in this world to attach me–
something to keep me choosing life over death:
fear of causing my loved ones greater sorrow than I now suffer–
I will inevitably endure.


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